Brilliant Moneymakers
1. The $100 Store: Everything costs one hundred dollars!
2. Oregon Trail: Adult: “You contracted syphilis from a loose barmaid in Dodge City. Do you want to: A.) Trade a rifle for some Indian magic balm B.) Sell an oxen for some penicilin, or C.) Figure you might as well try gay sex. Pursue Lewis or Clark.”
More to come as I think of them….
Christian School Stereotypes
I know. I’m evil. Here we go.
GUYS:
Lone International Hottie:
This guy is a stud of the highest degree. When he pipes up in class, EVERYONE is listening (because he has a sexy accent, duh!).Usually on a sports scholarship. Usually pissed that the girls aren’t looser. Considering a transfer to a Catholic school.
Champion of Conservative Issues with a Bravado Problem:
This one’s the worst! Spews hateful rhetoric, but excuses himself by saying, “Well, it’s true.” Usually wears cargo pants and a “funny” t-shirt. Pretends to not care about girls, but would very clearly piss himself if one approached. In short, a total asshole worthy of Biblical exile. Likes guns and LOVES Dubya. (P.S. Republicans = God’s Chosen people, if you didn’t know).
Homo Shy:
If you label this guy ‘gay’ he will FLIP OUT. You should probably remove yourself from his company because it’s really fun to call people gay and his volcano-like rage might end with the loss of your life.
Administration Ass Kisser:
Smarmy. Somehow (SOMEHOW) gets hot chicks (What can I say? Women do like power). Wants to be chummy with students, but will always side with his superior. Basically, a nice kid in the process of being corrupted. Like a fucked up butterfly.
GIRLS
Punky “Radical” Chick:
She wants to be alternative, therefore she cuts her hair off. But she still listens to shitty music. Would be A LOT cooler if she actually did hook up with a girl. Still has her first edition of “Jesus Freaks”. Might have an edgy piercing.
Wierdo Pixie Dancer:
Walks with dancer’s posture. Ignores or is not conscious of the fact that Christian schools do not offer competitive dance programs. Actually, this will never dawn on her. Wears glitter eye-shadow and refers to God as “Daddy”.
Icy Bitch:
This girl is in sharp contrast to the down-to-earth Christian school girls who like bonfire devotionals and brownies. She is tan. She is blonde. She never talks to anyone. She will stare your bitch ass down anytime of the day. She is probably looking for a husband. I don’t know. Inexplicably has a lot of friends.
Miss Sunshine:
Wants to spread joy to everyone. Consistently labeled by all as “sooooo sweet”. Likely cries in dorm after hours. Just now bought her first pair of Tom’s.
Selfish Missionary:
She has posters of Paris and Rome on her walls and collects mini Eiffel towers. She would like to be a missionary to France. Has not been informed that Parisians know who Jesus is.
For Erin
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(661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don’t shut up.
(1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was “how” -
(757): He’s at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
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(773): Just got to costco. Where are you?
(602): Liquor aisle, bring another cart. -
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(732): we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
(1-732): wasnt he a virgin
(732): yes we got celebratory milkshakes after -
(630): You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
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(310): and then she yelled “im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me”. so ya thats how i lost my virginity
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(347): I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
(347): I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN -
(310): so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
(818): by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it…in my mouth. it shows him that i’m slutty and that i pay attention in econ -
(256): I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
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(703): okay, prove you’re not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
(1-703): I am sober. Because I don’t drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up? -
(804): Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend…so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
(571): was that a mass text?? -
(972): You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
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(203): I just figured I’d let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
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(212): You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
(475) Yeah?
(212) Stuck it in his pooper. -
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(724): I’d give my left nut to see you
(609): don’t do that. I like the set -
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(309): My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you’d know what to do?
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(516): Just heard her singing at the school concert… I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
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(615): I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you’d want to know.
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(443): dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this…
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(631): so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
(631): what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK -
(330): Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
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(214): I don’t care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i’ll be the one fucking you.
(1-214): that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary -
(717): some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine…I have no idea what the hell is going on
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(949): I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
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(803): Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I’m glad to see someone else’s life is a bigger joke than mine.
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(612): all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
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(330): he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
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(760): Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There’s still some left if you want some…
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(703): Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
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(406): As it would turn out, “jesusssssss” is not the password to enter Faith Chapel’s wifi network.
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(353): Their flight hasn’t even left yet and the ‘buy food to keep yourself alive’ budget is gone on tequila.
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(252): woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
(816): i hope so. -
(661): Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
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(704): I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
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(570): I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons…
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(254): The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
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(262): dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
(1-262): bitch -
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(607): you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
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(443): you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I’ll let you guess how your night went
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(612): maybe i’ll see you again later
(774): I’d rather shit a knife. -
(770): At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
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(510): You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
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(908): i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
(914): that’s a non refundable transaction sweetheart -
(705): dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
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(517): she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel.
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(207): I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Stuff I’m Into These Days
Hash Browns
Terry Richardson
Haruki Murakami
Ice Cream Sundaes–Must Have Nuts, Whipped Cream, AND a Cherry.
Is Today the Best Day Ever?
Reasons why it might be:
1. Before I could even think to let Basil out, Julie swooped in an did it herself. Basil has not gone to the bathroom indoors in almost 24 hours!! I’m a proud mama.
2. There was a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
3. I’m eating caviar right now.
4. I didn’t have to work today.
5. Found a sweet travel/food book for only $5.
6. Learned that Basil’s first round of shots are free, free, FREE. Thank God.
7. Remembered there was a Starbucks giftcard in my purse. Used it.
8. Good movies come out today, even if I won’t see them today.
9. Plans for the day include reading, watching Lady Gaga on Oprah while snuggling with Basil, then going to Weston with my friends.
10. There are pounds of Russian candy and tea in my kitchen.
So, what do you all think? Simple, but possibly among the best.
What did you guys get for Christmas? I got a blue pashmina, a mosaic cross necklace, and the “Pet Sounds” album. However, I have a little bone to pick with my mom because I am not allowed to buy ANYTHING from about November 1st until Christmas day. The beautiful scarf from Anthropologie that was on sale for $30, which I told my mom to buy right then and there if she would not let me, was not under the Christmas tree. I’m not complaining about my presents. My point is that I should be able to buy stuff!!!! GRRRR.
I should save my money for Moscow, but I think I have to go buy the entire Rodarte for Target line. Look how gorgeous!
Frustration
I’m trying to style my little brother, but to no avail. Despite my pleas to let his hair grow long, my mom still persists in dressing him like a Gap Kids loser. Look at the pictures below to get an idea of the direction I want to take his “look”. By the way, you can style someone even if you yourself have no style (I think I know what you’re thinking). P.S. I love the Beach Boys and orange juice!
